Usual pizza/pasta affair in a dream location. Doesn't quite push the buttons

So what are we doing reviewing the most predictable of chain restaurants?. Well, there's the promise of a new 'retro' menu celebrating 40 years of unbroken chainery, a highly-desirable seafront location, and the fact that Mermaid Quay has so far given birth to a plethora of almost universally dismal restaurants. But sure, if a chain's going to get a fistful of dodgers it needs to deliver, big-time.

It doesn't. For some reason the place is packed with kids well passed their bedtime, and even if you can make yourself heard over the screaming urchins to attract the waiter's attention, the chances are that you won't be able to find one. Even getting a drink in this place is an uphill struggle.

Just suppose you do persuade a waiter to come over. For some reason these guys seem to think they are doing you an enormous favour by agreeing to bring you some food in exchange for crisp pieces of paper with the Queen's head on the back. In a single glance longingly outside, they instantly communicate that you are simply an inconvenience to their lives, the single reason why they have to scurry backwards and forwards from kitchen to table with those infernal pizza things.

All of which is a great pity because those pizza things are actually not bad. Forget the retro stuff though. Are they trying to convince us that ovens didn't exist 40 years ago? That's the only explanation for the 'buffalina' which is some kind of weird uncooked pizza. But I always fall for the classy rosemary-herbed nuts while I'm waiting, and the warming Pasta con Salsiccie with its deep and rich tomato sauce. And then there's the Summer Pudding, drenched in fruity syrup with a knob of cloying mascarpone nudging at its side.

But sorry Pizza Express. Good food isn't good enough.