Once upon a time there was a toy shop in the Land of Aff. Rainbow Toys was its name, and any unsuspecting muggle was likely to be lost in its labyrinth of grottos. Then one day the Rainbow fairy had a great idea, to sell coffee as well as toys. She cast her spell and overnight some chairs and tables appeared. Thirsty mothers would for ever more be happy drinking coffee while little girls tried on tutus and boys played with rubber spiders. That was until the nasty goblin appeared. In one stomp of his giant boots the jigsaws and puppets were banished to a kingdom far, far away. Then he got out some brown paint. An awful lot of brown paint. Jaspers Tea Rooms were born.

So no more toys, but at least some tasty delicacies if the website is anything to go by: scones oozing with jammy cream, spectacular triple tiers of finger sandwiches, fluffy croissants with perfectly poured coffees. Sadly, unless you have the ability to transform bland, unimaginative food with a magic spell of your own all that is going to stay on the website.

From this kitchen come not miraculous fairy cakes and strawberry potions but food of remarkable blandness. A toasted cheese and tomato sandwich comes in the form of budget bread, tasteless filling, and with one of those odious dollops of pointless coleslaw. And as if to emphasise the theme of the meal there's the tradition helping of plain crisps. Two other dishes of a gala pie and cheese ploughman's made for an revealing comparison. The latter is, essentially, the former with a slab of uninspiring cheddar and half an apple. And the owner of the gala pie was decidedly irked to find that his egg (surely the defining characteristic of what is otherwise but a plain pork pie) was but a slither of white. Watch out for the drinks prices too. £1.70 for a Coke? Gala pie man was not smiling after that one. A panino took more than the lifespan of some insects to appear too. And it wasn't worth the wait.

All of which is a pity, because the quirky layout, mock-ecclesiastical furniture and sun-trap garden should make Jasper's an enchanted haven. Sadly, unless there's a magical transformation in the kitchen department, we won't be hurrying back any time soon.